Five off-road trails that span the state (and some bonus safety tips!)
You’re so cool, your hog needs four wheels ’stead of two. You‘re like Mad Max: Trail Warrior. The only thing is, um, see, well, you just don’t know where to ride. Never fear, dirt devil! Read on and ride on, ya hear?
5. West Desert ATV Trails
With miles of mountainous terrain and rugged canyons, you might feel like you’re riding into a cologne commercial and not into the West Desert--Utah’s premier bad(ass)lands. Either way, it can’t hurt to practice...especially with the soft landings at Little Sahara Sand Dunes. Try whipping off your helmet, shaking your tangled, sweaty hair, then looking where the camera should be and whispering, “Juniper.” But remember to stock up on victuals before you show the canyon who’s the hot boss, because after the town of Delta, no one can help ya, help ya, help ya.
4. Arapeen Motorized ATV Trail
Forget Rome! All roads actually lead to Skyline Drive --over 550 miles of them. And we won’t blame you if you feel like a freakin’ gladiator as you maneuver your motor-lion up and down the crags towards the coliseum of sky up top. But the real reward at the summit is seeing the plebes who hiked the whole thing. Rev your engines and sneer at them like the patrician you are. But remember, it’s the 20th-century, so no imperial bloodsport, please. Be sure to check out the rest of the Arapeen Trail System while you're at it.
3. Bryce Canyon Area ATV
Sure, there are no ATVs allowed in the park, but you don’t even care, like, not even. Let those tourists eat cake, if by cake you mean long lines of rubbernecking cars and the occasional nature loop. Meanwhile, you’ll be coastin’ all cool through the backwoods, making the red rawk. Cuz who do those hoodoos that you do so well? You do! So just shoop, son. For guided excursions, check out Ruby's Guided Tours.
2. Paiute ATV Trail
You don’t ride for the badges, but if you did, this here’s your trail. Rated as tops from about every magazine with the word ATV in the title, the Paiute trail is a 275-mile loop that never ends, kind of like your courage and overall moxy for tackling the whole thing. Think of it like the movie Labyrinth, except without the Goblin King and the kidnapped baby brother, and with no guaranteed sightings of David Bowie. Okay, fine, don’t think if it like the Labyrinth. Just go.
1. Great Western Trail
If trails had bucket lists, the Great Western would like: Traverse 4,455 miles through five western states? Check! Link eighteen National Forests and wilderness areas? You know it! Make humans feel puny and inconsequential in the panoramic cradle of your wide-swept arms? Been-there-done-that. But trails don’t have bucket lists because they aren’t alive. You are. So go west, young (wo)man.
ATV Safety Tips
When you’re doing the Dew all fearless with bull fluids charging through your veins, just remembering that the most XXXtreme thing you can do is be safe out there. We’ve done you a solid by writing out a few tipzzz that will tack uncommon consonantzzz onto your most mundane activitiezzzzz.
Get trained. Even Luke Skywalker needed Yoda, yo, so find your Jedi master and learn how the force can be with you.
Wear a helmet. Safety hair is the new Evel Knievel.
No children. If they still believe in the Tooth Fairy, don’t give them the hairy-scaries.
Don’t ride tandem. It’s a hobby, not a dating strategy.
Don’t ride on pavement. It’s called eating dirt for a reason.
Don’t drive under the influence. Remember every pill bottle that said “Do not use while operating heavy machinery?” This is what they were talking about.